I’m Just Sayin..

CHILDREN’S BOOK TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST.

You were an accident.

Strangers ave the best candy.

The magic World inside the abandoned refrigerator.

The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

Your nightmares are real!

Grandpa gets a casket.

Dad’s new wife, Robert.

Curious George and the high voltage fence.

The pop-up-book of Human Anatomy.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

My mind will be CLOSED today.

LITERACY AIN’T EVERYTHING!

Can you yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire-station?

Whining, kicking and screaming to get your way.

What Is that dog doing to that other dog?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be friends?

Daddy drinks because you cry.

Things I’ll bet you didn’t know.

 

 

Here are a bunch of facts and study results that you can tell your friends. If you have any ya BUM!

 68 percent of a Hostess Twinkie is air!

 A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Thus the saying, I will be there in a jiffy.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

Each 5 m.p.h. you drive over 60 m.p.h. is like paying an additional $.10 a gallon for gas!

Hong Kong has more Rolls Royces per person than anywhere else in the world.

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

In 2003, the U.S. Government spent about $2,000,000.00 on potato research!

The number of text messages sent and received in a given day is greater than the world’s population.

The revenue that is generated from gambling is more than the revenue that comes from movies, cruise ships, recorded music, theme parks, and spectator sports combined.

Tsunamis ( tidal waves ) travel as fast as jet planes.

WAL-MART generates $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes!

You can start a fire with ice.

 More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts 3 naked men with their hands on each others shoulders.

An American urologist once bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.

Jimmy Hoffa’s middle name is, appropriately, Riddle.

More people have seen David Copperfield perform live than any other performer in the world.

  If you are bitten by a poisonous snake, and fail to receive medical attention, you still have a 50% chance of survival.

If you unfolded your brain, it would cover an ironing board.

Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long!

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Forensic scientists can determine a person’s sex, age, and race by examining a single strand of hair.

No matter how cold it gets, gasoline will not freeze.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Tug of War was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.

In one day an average person will take about 18,000 steps.

It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world’s population are drunk.

The Big Quotatious, the funny has been brought!

 

Here is a new list of some of my more popular quotes. Enjoy them and comment if you can appreciate some of them.

Sermon on the mountain; Oh I see, 5000 of you and none of you even brought a sandwich. No, LET ME GET IT!

You ever notice that the word ‘engaged’ has the word ‘gag’ in the middle of it?

Broken promises don’t bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

Women are the kind of problem I don’t mind wrestling with.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Well, it all started when my dog started getting free rollover minutes….

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

I  have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

I joined health spa recently. They had a sign that said “free weights.” So I took a couple.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn’t feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..

“You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one …Now press the other one.”

OMG! What a long day. I got screwed so much at work today I better take a frickin pregnancy test.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work.

An asshole is someone who bites the hand that feeds him then complains of indigestion.

WARNING: Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence.

I love the lines the men use to get women into bed. “Please, I’ll only put it in for a minute”. What are they, a friggin microwave?

I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

I don’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.

I  don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it’s a forgery.

Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

Joe Biden is still clapping about something Obama said last week…

Note to Joe Wilson: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called “a wedding cake”.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

My ex-wife used to say I was too nosey… at least, that’s what she used to write in her diary.

Is this glass half full or am I half drunk?

If you have a headache, take an aspirin, if you have a pain in the ass, break up with them.

Buffet. A French word that means: Get up & get it yourself!

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Act my age? I’ve never been my age before. I have no experience.

I have spent most of my money on women, drugs and beer. The rest, I kind of just wasted…

I don’t have skeletons in my closet…I’ve got a cemetery!

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Good sex can correct poor posture…or at least make it stand up straight.

I was only looking at your name tag Miss.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart last night said “for fast relief”.

I’m dating a homeless woman. It’s easier to talk her into staying over.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

My ex-wife’s version of money laundering was cleaning out my pockets every night while I slept.

Congress; Contradictory Oppressive Nimrods Greatly Risk Every Social Standpoint.

Even rarer than a doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can’t stand the sight of money.

When I was in high school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

Hallmark Card: “Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll need it again.”

Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

I’m on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?

They want cheap sentiment? I’ll fill them so full of sap, they’ll be blowing their nose with a pancake!

Statistics show that every two minutes another statistic is created.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis”.

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.

Friends rub tummy of pregnat women congating them. Why dont they rub the dick of the dad for a job well done?

I’ve never had a problem with drugs, I’ve had problems with the police.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Hubby: what would u do if I won lottery? Wife: Take half n leave ur ass! Hubby: I won $12, here’s $6 now get the fuck out.

Sure I had a drinking problem, but I looked at it more as a drinking opportunity.

I  think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

No matter if you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

A weird thing about humans is we work till we’re sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.

I  ordered a self help tape called “How to handle disappointment”, when the package came, the box was empty.

10 out of 5 doctors feel it’s OK to be schizophrenic.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You know what’s a good thing to hang on your porch in the summer, to keep mosquitoes away from U and ur guests? A big bag of blood.

I  like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.

Love is never angry. Love is patient. How many fucking times do I have to tell you guys that?

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right…. But she is more often left.

Last night my date demanded that I take her some place expensive… so I took her to a gas station!

At least Congress doesn’t make death worse every year.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.”, and there was still nothing; but everybody could see it.

Success is a relative term! It brings so many relatives!

Join forces people. Together we can lick pornography.

I  saw a sign that said “seeing eye dogs only” who is supposed to read this? The dog?

I still miss my ex-wife… but my aim is improving.

Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.

Youth looks ahead, old age looks back and middle age looks tired.

Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

It  takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.

At 44 years, I finally met the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store’.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Did you ever notice that there are more horses’ asses in the world than there are horses.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.

My friend Scott is so cheap, he bought his girlfriend a part time boob job.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were pretty pissed off.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Shouldn’t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there’s no sense in two people remembering the same things, right?

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I got a fortune cookie once that said “You like Chinese food.”

Don’t let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute? (I’m asking 4 a friend of course).

Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I was a dude before marrying. Now I’m subdued.

My ex-wife is a Travel Agent… for Guilt Trips!

There are still “incurable romantics” … which I guess means we need better antibiotics.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. Fuck that shit man.

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t tried to contact us.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth!

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

I have a sure way of not losing your money when you go to Vegas. When you get off the plane; turn around and get your ass back on it.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

I’d like to help you out…which way did you come in?

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos — I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.

Instant human! Just add coffee.

I’m an alcoholic, and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, “Have one on the house.”

Someone who is always declaring that they’re no fool usually has some suspicions that they may be one.

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it’s the shortest mental detour to marriage.

 go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky….But there’s never any gum under any of them.

The Big Quotatious, bringing the funny!

Here are some of my most popular Twitter “tweets”. For those of you not on Twitter. I am @The_Troy_Show. I believe there will be something here that everyone can relate too in one way or the other. Again, please don’t take any ass kickings personally…

And away we go:

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra… now I’ve got hair like Don King.

When I was married. Sometimes I would wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Life is full of uncertainties…of course, I could be wrong about that.

Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.

Hypochondria is the only disease I feel like haven’t got.

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

Pre-middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

 I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

There are only two times when I drink…when I’m alone or when I’m with someone.

I must admit, my ex-wife brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell, until I married her.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Ignorance can take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.

There are those who think that I’m vulgar. To that I say BULLSHIT!

f you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

A smart man covers his ass and wise man leaves his pants on.

The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!

Remember, you are not alone. Everybody’s family is crazy.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all

Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed.

A used car is not always what it’s jacked up to be.

You ever think that maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

I graduated with a 4.0 … Blood Alcohol level

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

My ex-wife used to say I never listened to her….. or something like that…

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

I  was born at a very early age.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.

I saw a want ad: “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”

I wasn’t sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I’m riding a bike.

Right now, my complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

I’m abandoning my search for truth. I am now looking for a good fantasy

The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant.

If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go

ASCII a stupid question and you get a stupid ANSI.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, closed.

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare, nor, in many cases nowadays, well done.

Golf is a lot like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.

Marriage? Sorry, I can no longer mate in captivity.

Hookt aun Fonix reelie wurkt fur mee!

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early though.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

For some people, death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I  think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it, or tell it.

Although we all came on different ships. We are in the same boat now.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

My ex-wife used to give me sound advice. That’s 99% sound and 1% advice.

DARE to keep cops off donuts.

I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

The Lord gave us the power to procreate. So, let’s practice!

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

Don’t ever confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.

One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my date gets a headache.

The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You know you’re getting old when when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got half-way through.

How many vegetables had to die to make your salad?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Worry is the darkroom in which ‘negatives’ are developed.

     I will end this post here, but I have many more to add that will be appearing in “The Big Quotatious Part 2″ Coming soon….