I’m Just Sayin..

CHILDREN’S BOOK TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST.

You were an accident.

Strangers ave the best candy.

The magic World inside the abandoned refrigerator.

The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

Your nightmares are real!

Grandpa gets a casket.

Dad’s new wife, Robert.

Curious George and the high voltage fence.

The pop-up-book of Human Anatomy.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

My mind will be CLOSED today.

LITERACY AIN’T EVERYTHING!

Can you yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire-station?

Whining, kicking and screaming to get your way.

What Is that dog doing to that other dog?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be friends?

Daddy drinks because you cry.

Things a woman should never say to a naked man.

 

 

 I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 

Ahhhh, it’s cute. 

Why don’t we just cuddle? 

You know they have surgery to fix that. 

Make it dance. 
 
Wow, and your feet are so big. 

Can I write with it? 

 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 

Oh no… a flash headache. 

Can I be honest with you? 

How sweet, you brought incense. 

This explains your car. 

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 

Why is God punishing me? 

At least this won’t take long. 

I never saw one like that before. 

But it still works, right? 

It looks so unused. 

Maybe it looks better in natural light. 

Why don’t we skip right to the cigarrettes? 

Are you cold? 

If you get me real drunk first. 

Is that an optical illusion? 

What is that? 

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

 Does it come with an air pump

I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.

Top shelf jokes baby!

  

1:

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

2:

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

3:

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

4:                     It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.” 5:                    A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.” 6:                    On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!” 7:                    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” 8:                    Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?” 9:                    A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.” 10:                  A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.” 11:                    Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.” 12:                   Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.” 13:                   A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?” 14:                     A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?” 15:                     Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!” 16:                    A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!” 17:                I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. 18:                 A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?” 19:                  I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… 20:                 I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. 21:                  Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.” 22:            My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. 23:            A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?” 24:                  Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. 25:               There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. 26:           Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Big Quotatious, the funny has been brought!

 

Here is a new list of some of my more popular quotes. Enjoy them and comment if you can appreciate some of them.

Sermon on the mountain; Oh I see, 5000 of you and none of you even brought a sandwich. No, LET ME GET IT!

You ever notice that the word ‘engaged’ has the word ‘gag’ in the middle of it?

Broken promises don’t bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

Women are the kind of problem I don’t mind wrestling with.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Well, it all started when my dog started getting free rollover minutes….

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

I  have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

I joined health spa recently. They had a sign that said “free weights.” So I took a couple.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn’t feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..

“You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one …Now press the other one.”

OMG! What a long day. I got screwed so much at work today I better take a frickin pregnancy test.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work.

An asshole is someone who bites the hand that feeds him then complains of indigestion.

WARNING: Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence.

I love the lines the men use to get women into bed. “Please, I’ll only put it in for a minute”. What are they, a friggin microwave?

I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

I don’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.

I  don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it’s a forgery.

Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

Joe Biden is still clapping about something Obama said last week…

Note to Joe Wilson: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called “a wedding cake”.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

My ex-wife used to say I was too nosey… at least, that’s what she used to write in her diary.

Is this glass half full or am I half drunk?

If you have a headache, take an aspirin, if you have a pain in the ass, break up with them.

Buffet. A French word that means: Get up & get it yourself!

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Act my age? I’ve never been my age before. I have no experience.

I have spent most of my money on women, drugs and beer. The rest, I kind of just wasted…

I don’t have skeletons in my closet…I’ve got a cemetery!

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Good sex can correct poor posture…or at least make it stand up straight.

I was only looking at your name tag Miss.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart last night said “for fast relief”.

I’m dating a homeless woman. It’s easier to talk her into staying over.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

My ex-wife’s version of money laundering was cleaning out my pockets every night while I slept.

Congress; Contradictory Oppressive Nimrods Greatly Risk Every Social Standpoint.

Even rarer than a doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can’t stand the sight of money.

When I was in high school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

Hallmark Card: “Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll need it again.”

Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

I’m on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?

They want cheap sentiment? I’ll fill them so full of sap, they’ll be blowing their nose with a pancake!

Statistics show that every two minutes another statistic is created.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis”.

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.

Friends rub tummy of pregnat women congating them. Why dont they rub the dick of the dad for a job well done?

I’ve never had a problem with drugs, I’ve had problems with the police.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Hubby: what would u do if I won lottery? Wife: Take half n leave ur ass! Hubby: I won $12, here’s $6 now get the fuck out.

Sure I had a drinking problem, but I looked at it more as a drinking opportunity.

I  think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

No matter if you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

A weird thing about humans is we work till we’re sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.

I  ordered a self help tape called “How to handle disappointment”, when the package came, the box was empty.

10 out of 5 doctors feel it’s OK to be schizophrenic.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You know what’s a good thing to hang on your porch in the summer, to keep mosquitoes away from U and ur guests? A big bag of blood.

I  like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.

Love is never angry. Love is patient. How many fucking times do I have to tell you guys that?

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right…. But she is more often left.

Last night my date demanded that I take her some place expensive… so I took her to a gas station!

At least Congress doesn’t make death worse every year.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.”, and there was still nothing; but everybody could see it.

Success is a relative term! It brings so many relatives!

Join forces people. Together we can lick pornography.

I  saw a sign that said “seeing eye dogs only” who is supposed to read this? The dog?

I still miss my ex-wife… but my aim is improving.

Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.

Youth looks ahead, old age looks back and middle age looks tired.

Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

It  takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.

At 44 years, I finally met the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store’.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Did you ever notice that there are more horses’ asses in the world than there are horses.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.

My friend Scott is so cheap, he bought his girlfriend a part time boob job.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were pretty pissed off.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Shouldn’t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there’s no sense in two people remembering the same things, right?

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I got a fortune cookie once that said “You like Chinese food.”

Don’t let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute? (I’m asking 4 a friend of course).

Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I was a dude before marrying. Now I’m subdued.

My ex-wife is a Travel Agent… for Guilt Trips!

There are still “incurable romantics” … which I guess means we need better antibiotics.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. Fuck that shit man.

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t tried to contact us.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth!

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

I have a sure way of not losing your money when you go to Vegas. When you get off the plane; turn around and get your ass back on it.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

I’d like to help you out…which way did you come in?

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos — I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.

Instant human! Just add coffee.

I’m an alcoholic, and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, “Have one on the house.”

Someone who is always declaring that they’re no fool usually has some suspicions that they may be one.

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it’s the shortest mental detour to marriage.

 go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky….But there’s never any gum under any of them.