I’m Just Sayin..

CHILDREN’S BOOK TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST.

You were an accident.

Strangers ave the best candy.

The magic World inside the abandoned refrigerator.

The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

Your nightmares are real!

Grandpa gets a casket.

Dad’s new wife, Robert.

Curious George and the high voltage fence.

The pop-up-book of Human Anatomy.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

My mind will be CLOSED today.

LITERACY AIN’T EVERYTHING!

Can you yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire-station?

Whining, kicking and screaming to get your way.

What Is that dog doing to that other dog?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be friends?

Daddy drinks because you cry.

He’s not & She’s not.

Don’t always judge a book by it’s cover:

He does not have a BEER GUT -  He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC VISION

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -Sh e is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Oh no they Did-Int!

 

Every once in a while I like to do a sort of roll call of idiocracy and ferver. In the days of old, scandalist and ignorants were sounded off and paraded likes murderers and theives in front of the masses. It was a sort of reckoning. Well this is now the start of a full blown revolution of reckoning. That’s the thing of about revolutions. They come back in your face. Well, there are a few people that I will be mentioning below that I would like to give a formal invitation to.

                                                                                           WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!

 

Rush Limbaugh -

                               Limbaugh has said that the Obama’s administration would use the quake in Haiti to “build ‘credibility’ with the black community. Not just regular negroes mind you. He has been a little more specific and said both light-skinned and dark-skinned blacks across  the country. He says that Americans have already donated to Haiti. In the form of  U.S. income taxes. He insists that money donated through Whitehouse.gov wouldn’t end up in Haiti. Also, anyone donating through this site would find their e-mail addresses receiving fundraising appeals from the Obama administration. This is GALACTICALLY WHACKY! First of all, the Whitehouse.gov website just list other Better Business Bureau backed donations links. Like The Red Cross or the Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund. The Whitehouse.gov site has no Pay Pal account and does not receive or route the donations itself at all. The statement was completely ludicrous. Now does this matter to Rush? No. There has also been no evidence or mechanism for gathering your personal information from this procedure of CHOOSING A CREDIBLE DONATION LINK.

Rush seems to think that being an obese, drug addicted blowhard that spews separatist fuel on a daily basis somehow makes him an American and everyone that disagrees with him a communist, socialists, reverse racist, etc… I just want to let Rush know that I agree with his right to be ignorant. I just don’t agree with disguising it as patriotism. Just call us all a bunch of niggers, wetbacks, jews and gays and get it over with Rush. Most of us are already hip to your agenda.

Glen Beck -

                           This guy just amazes me. I still am at a complete loss as to how anyone actually listens to him. He stated that the Obama Adminsistration’s Health Care package would provide health care for dogs and that you, ‘Joe Citizen’, would be stuck with the cost. He said he didn’t think Americans should pay for your dogs cardiologist. I’m sure the people that follow him probably gasped and said “that damn Obama is trying to give healthcare to dogs?” “The Government is taking over!”  WRONG-OOO!

Beck likes to take snap shots of paragraphs and morph them into his little web of ’ridiculisms’ . (I made up that word)

In the actual  House bill is the creation of a Public Health Workforce Corps to address shortages in the public health workforce. The program would provide scholarships and education loan repayment assistance for public health professionals serving in areas of need. Veterinarians are included among those public health professionals. The rationale is that with mad cow disease, swine flu and other animal-borne diseases and issues, It only makes sense to create more and better trained individuals.

Mr. Beck, I know you may be busy preparing more ‘Obama is the Devil’ material for your show but I just wanted to invite you to a litttle get together. Welcome to the Revolution!

Michelle Bachmann -

                                                   Now this lady is a complete piece of work. She graduated from Oral Roberts University. That in itself is admirable. However, she also opened a school in Minnesota in 1993 called the New Heights Charter School. She ended resigning as the school was embroiled in controversy over accusations of using public tax money to basically fund a religious school. She and other members of their board of directors were critisized from parents for not allowing the kids in the school to watch the Disney film ‘Alladin’ because they felt that it endorsed withcraft and promoted paganism. This is the type of mind set we are dealing with here. Just recently she stated that in the 1970’s the Swine Flu also broke out under Carter,( Democratic President),. She then says that another epidemic started under Obama, who is another Democratic President. She noted that this was quite the coincidence.

First of all, the Swine Flu scare that came out in 1976 was under Gerald Ford. A Republican President. (The scare began in February 1976 when recruits at Fort Dix, N.J., came down with flu symptoms, and one died. This led to fears of a pandemic.) Now that doesn’t matter to me, but I’m not a lunatic. Another epidemic briefly surfaced in 1988. Under Ronald Reagan. (Swine flu also surfaced briefly in 1988, killing a woman in Wisconsin who had visited a swine exhibit at a county fair.) Now I’m not stating these facts to be critical or to imply something sinister regarding the Swine Flu and the Republican Party. Michell bachmann was though, and she had a lot less information to display than I did and her intention was just that. An implied thought to put into the mind of some people that were probably alrready trying to balance their predjudices regarding the new President. However, lunatics in power with a medium to scare seem to be allowed to get away with anything they want to say or imply. It may be a right, but their is also a right to let them know how full of shit they are.

“Paging Mrs Bachmann, Paging Mrs Bachmann!”  WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!

        Stay focused readers, don’t let the lunatics win. They may have the platform, but we ultimately have the power. We just need to spread it.

                                                     Keep your head up folks.

Things a woman should never say to a naked man.

 

 

 I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 

Ahhhh, it’s cute. 

Why don’t we just cuddle? 

You know they have surgery to fix that. 

Make it dance. 
 
Wow, and your feet are so big. 

Can I write with it? 

 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 

Oh no… a flash headache. 

Can I be honest with you? 

How sweet, you brought incense. 

This explains your car. 

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 

Why is God punishing me? 

At least this won’t take long. 

I never saw one like that before. 

But it still works, right? 

It looks so unused. 

Maybe it looks better in natural light. 

Why don’t we skip right to the cigarrettes? 

Are you cold? 

If you get me real drunk first. 

Is that an optical illusion? 

What is that? 

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

 Does it come with an air pump

I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.

The Big Quotatious, bringing the funny!

Here are some of my most popular Twitter “tweets”. For those of you not on Twitter. I am @The_Troy_Show. I believe there will be something here that everyone can relate too in one way or the other. Again, please don’t take any ass kickings personally…

And away we go:

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra… now I’ve got hair like Don King.

When I was married. Sometimes I would wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Life is full of uncertainties…of course, I could be wrong about that.

Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.

Hypochondria is the only disease I feel like haven’t got.

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

Pre-middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

 I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

There are only two times when I drink…when I’m alone or when I’m with someone.

I must admit, my ex-wife brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell, until I married her.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Ignorance can take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.

There are those who think that I’m vulgar. To that I say BULLSHIT!

f you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

A smart man covers his ass and wise man leaves his pants on.

The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!

Remember, you are not alone. Everybody’s family is crazy.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all

Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed.

A used car is not always what it’s jacked up to be.

You ever think that maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

I graduated with a 4.0 … Blood Alcohol level

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

My ex-wife used to say I never listened to her….. or something like that…

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

I  was born at a very early age.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.

I saw a want ad: “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”

I wasn’t sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I’m riding a bike.

Right now, my complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

I’m abandoning my search for truth. I am now looking for a good fantasy

The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant.

If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go

ASCII a stupid question and you get a stupid ANSI.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, closed.

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare, nor, in many cases nowadays, well done.

Golf is a lot like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.

Marriage? Sorry, I can no longer mate in captivity.

Hookt aun Fonix reelie wurkt fur mee!

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early though.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

For some people, death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I  think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it, or tell it.

Although we all came on different ships. We are in the same boat now.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

My ex-wife used to give me sound advice. That’s 99% sound and 1% advice.

DARE to keep cops off donuts.

I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

The Lord gave us the power to procreate. So, let’s practice!

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

Don’t ever confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.

One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my date gets a headache.

The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You know you’re getting old when when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got half-way through.

How many vegetables had to die to make your salad?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Worry is the darkroom in which ‘negatives’ are developed.

     I will end this post here, but I have many more to add that will be appearing in “The Big Quotatious Part 2″ Coming soon….

Insults Galore

You’re so poor, I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing and she said “Moving”.

Words cannot describe your outfit so I’ll just throw up!

You’re so poor that when I went to your house and used the bathroom, a rat tripped me and a cockroach took my wallet.

They can’t measure your intelligence. The scale won’t go that low.

You are so stupid that you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!

Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.

I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop that low. 

I’m glad you’re tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.

I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!

Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?

Your mouth’s the perfect size… for your foot.

Know what I like about your face? Me neither.

Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.

Why don’t you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.

You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.

You’ll never lose your mind. You can’t lose what you never had.

You’ve made this date a night I won’t forget… no matter how hard I try.

I know why they call this a “blind date.” Because now that I’ve seen you, I wish I were blind.

You’re a nice girl, it’s just that you’re like disposable diapers…always getting dumped.

“What are you doing Friday night”?  ”Trying to forget you just asked me that”.

“What’s he got that I haven’t”? “You want it alphabetically”?

I’d like to see things from your perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Your girlfriend is so ugly,  even the trashman won’t pick her up.

You’re so short, when you sit on the curb, your feet dangle.

Your house is so dirty, when I walked outside I had to wipe my feet.

You so fat that you put your belt on with a boomerang.

You’re so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

You’re so poor you had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.

Why don’t you slip into something comfortable…like a coma.

You’re so stupid, you looked in the mirror and said, “Who’s that”?

If  your brains were a fart, there wouldn’t be enough to stink!

You’re so dirty, when you take a shower you lose weight!

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

You’re so short that when it rains, you’re the last to know.

You’re so poor, I walked in your front door and I was in the backyard.

You have “mint” breath. You must have ‘Mint’ to brush your teeth and forgot!

He’s so stupid that when he sends a FAX, he puts a stamp on it.

I’d slap you, but shit splatters.

I’ve seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

Tell me everything you know…I have a few seconds to waste.

Your teeth are so crooked that when you smile, your teeth throw me gang signs.

The gap between your teeth is so big, I don’t know whether to smile back at you or kick a field goal.

You’re so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat over the phone.

Your teeth are so yellow that when you close your mouth, your stomach lights up.

Your teeth are so yellow that your tonsils need sunglasses.

You’re so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a tax refund.

You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.

“As an outside observer, what do you think of the human race”?

“Hey, how’s your face feeling”? “Fine. Why”? “Because it’s killing me”!

You’re so ugly, you have to get you hand drunk just to masturbate.

                                                                   What time is it?

In America, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In England, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

 In Paris, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

 And in Poland, they say it’s 10:00 do you know what time it is?

 

Your head’s so big, that when it rains your clothes don’t get wet!

Your armpits smell so bad that the teacher gave you an A just for not raising your hand.

You’re so poor, every time the wind blows, your address changes!

You’re so fat that when you step on the scales it says, “One person at a time please.”

Your breath is so bad, when you talk your lips go numb.

Your breath is so bad, when you talk your teeth duck.

You’re so stupid, you asked for a price check at the 99-cents store.

You’re so fat, you could sell shade.

Your mama’s so old, she farts dust!

Your mama’s so fat that she couldn’t be born by a C-Section. She had to be born by a C-D-E-F-G Section!

                                                             Who’s a moron?

How do you keep a moron busy?
Look below.
How do you keep a moron busy?
Look above.

 Your mama’s so ugly, her vibrator went soft!

Life’s like a bag of Jelly beans, no body likes the black ones.