Hit them where it hurts!
My neighborhood was so tough. In the library the sign said “shut the fuck up!”
My neighborhood was so tough. I bought a waterbed and found a dead body at the bottom of it.
Define Irony- President Obama closed the only prison that doesn’t have any black people in it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
There are two kinds of the people in this World. Those who can finish what they start, and ….
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Even if you don’t believe in the Afterlife. It’s best to bring a change of underwear just in case.
I really love my Rolex watch. My Grandfather, on his death bed, sold me that watch.
Most people don’t just act stupid. It’s the REAL thing.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower down to their level and then beat you with experience.
I dated this one girl for 2 whole years. Then the nagging started… I wanna know your name, blah blah blah.
Breaking News…. Fox News Channel starting a new support group for compulsive talkers and liars. It’ll be called ” On Anon Anon”.
Credit card companies offering teaser rates then increasing APR two weeks later? That’s not contract semantics, that’s getting Fucking Jacked!
I predict one of two teams will win the Super Bowl this year.
My neighbor is so ugly. She tried to participate in an ugly contest, and they said “sorry we don’t accept professionals”.
My old neighborhood, at the closest restaurant, you can order the “broken” leg of lamb.
I used to live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
How come there’s no rehab for stupidity?
You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes.
Africa is so far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride is so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Last Thanksgiving was old-fashioned. I invited all neighbors to my house, had an enormous feast, & then I killed them and took their land.
Don’t think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
