Kill them with sarcasm.

Sermon on the mountain; Oh I see, 5000 of you and none of you even brought a sandwich. No, LET ME GET IT!

You ever notice that the word ‘engaged’ has the word ‘gag’ in the middle of it?

Broken promises don’t bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

Women are the kind of problem I don’t mind wrestling with.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Well, it all started when my dog started getting free rollover minutes….

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

I joined health spa recently. They had a sign that said “free weights.” So I took a couple.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn’t feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..

“You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one …Now press the other one.”

OMG! What a long day. I got screwed so much at work today I better take a frickin pregnancy test.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work.

An asshole is someone who bites the hand that feeds him then complains of indigestion.

WARNING: Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence.

I love the lines the men use to get women into bed. “Please, I’ll only put it in for a minute”. What are they, a friggin microwave?

I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

I don’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.

I don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it’s a forgery.

Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

Joe Biden is still clapping about something Obama said last week…

Note to Joe Wilson: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called “a wedding cake”.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

My ex-wife used to say I was too nosey… at least, that’s what she used to write in her diary.

Is this glass half full or am I half drunk?

If you have a headache, take an aspirin, if you have a pain in the ass, break up with them.

Buffet. A French word that means: Get up & get it yourself!

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Act my age? I’ve never been my age before. I have no experience.

I have spent most of my money on women, drugs and beer. The rest, I kind of just wasted…

I don’t have skeletons in my closet…I’ve got a cemetery!

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Good sex can correct poor posture…or at least make it stand up straight.

I was only looking at your name tag Miss.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart last night said “for fast relief”.

I’m dating a homeless woman. It’s easier to talk her into staying over.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

My ex-wife’s version of money laundering was cleaning out my pockets every night while I slept.

Congress; Contradictory Oppressive Nimrods Greatly Risk Every Social Standpoint.

Even rarer than a doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can’t stand the sight of money.

When I was in high school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

Hallmark Card: “Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll need it again.”

Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

I’m on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?

They want cheap sentiment? I’ll fill them so full of sap, they’ll be blowing their nose with a pancake!

Statistics show that every two minutes another statistic is created.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis”.

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.

Friends rub tummy of pregnat women congating them. Why dont they rub the dick of the dad for a job well done?

I’ve never had a problem with drugs, I’ve had problems with the police.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Hubby: what would u do if I won lottery? Wife: Take half n leave ur ass! Hubby: I won $12, here’s $6 now get the fuck out.

Sure I had a drinking problem, but I looked at it more as a drinking opportunity.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

No matter if you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

A weird thing about humans is we work till we’re sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.

I ordered a self help tape called “How to handle disappointment”, when the package came, the box was empty.

10 out of 5 doctors feel it’s OK to be schizophrenic.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You know what’s a good thing to hang on your porch in the summer, to keep mosquitoes away from U and ur guests? A big bag of blood.

I like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.

Love is never angry. Love is patient. How many fucking times do I have to tell you guys that?

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right…. But she is more often left.

Last night my date demanded that I take her some place expensive… so I took her to a gas station!

At least Congress doesn’t make death worse every year.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.”, and there was still nothing; but everybody could see it.

Success is a relative term! It brings so many relatives!

Join forces people. Together we can lick pornography.

I saw a sign that said “seeing eye dogs only” who is supposed to read this? The dog?

I still miss my ex-wife… but my aim is improving.

Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.

Youth looks ahead, old age looks back and middle age looks tired.

Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

It takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.

At 44 years, I finally met the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store’.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Did you ever notice that there are more horses’ asses in the world than there are horses.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.

My friend Scott is so cheap, he bought his girlfriend a part time boob job.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were pretty pissed off.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Shouldn’t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there’s no sense in two people remembering the same things, right?

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I got a fortune cookie once that said “You like Chinese food.”

Don’t let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute? (I’m asking 4 a friend of course).

Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I was a dude before marrying. Now I’m subdued.

My ex-wife is a Travel Agent… for Guilt Trips!

There are still “incurable romantics” … which I guess means we need better antibiotics.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. Fuck that shit man.

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t tried to contact us.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth!

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

I have a sure way of not losing your money when you go to Vegas. When you get off the plane; turn around and get your ass back on it.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

I’d like to help you out…which way did you come in?

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos — I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.

Instant human! Just add coffee.

I’m an alcoholic, and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, “Have one on the house.”

Someone who is always declaring that they’re no fool usually has some suspicions that they may be one.

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it’s the shortest mental detour to marriage.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky….But there’s never any gum under any of them.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Can you cry under water?

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people that have the most live the longest.

One thing I know about the speed of light — It always gets here way too early in the morning

Essays should be like skirts. Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep it interesting…

Opportunity may knock only once but temptation leans on the doorbell.

Secret Admirer: a stalker with stationery

I don’t have ADHD, I have ADOL….Attention Deficit Oh LOOK!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I’m going mental- want to come with me?

Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Life is a good teacher, however it kills all it’s students.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There’s way too much blood in my caffeine system.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

OK, It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

I want to move closer to Washington DC, if only to be near my money.

I have my own way of dealing with the recession. I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

My favorite animal is steak.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

No man is an island, but some of us have pretty long peninsulas.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs LESS.

More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.

I know I cam make a million dollars, if I could only start with $999,999.00.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

A free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

You can only be young once but you can be immature forever.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off, shit I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you went in there. I think that may be how dogs spend their entire lives.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. Didn’t want to go though. Because I put on like 170 pounds.

A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

I’ll tell you how
to beat the casinos in Vegas. When you get off the airplane, turn around and get back on.