One Liners, Jokes & More

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra… now I’ve got hair like Don King.

When I was married. Sometimes I would wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Life is full of uncertainties…of course, I could be wrong about that.

Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.

Hypochondria is the only disease I feel like I haven’t got.

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

Pre-middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

There are only two times when I drink…when I’m alone or when I’m with someone.

I must admit, my ex-wife brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell, until I married her.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Ignorance can take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.

There are those who think that I’m vulgar. To that I say BULLSHIT!

f you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

A smart man covers his ass and wise man leaves his pants on.

The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!

Remember, you are not alone. Everybody’s family is crazy.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all

Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed.

A used car is not always what it’s jacked up to be.

You ever think that maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

I graduated with a 4.0 … Blood Alcohol level

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

My ex-wife used to say I never listened to her….. or something like that…

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

I was born at a very early age.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.

I saw a want ad: “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”

I wasn’t sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I’m riding a bike.

Right now, my complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

I’m abandoning my search for truth. I am now looking for a good fantasy

The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant.

If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go

ASCII a stupid question and you get a stupid ANSI.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, closed.

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare, nor, in many cases nowadays, well done.

Golf is a lot like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.

Marriage? Sorry, I can no longer mate in captivity.

Hookt aun Fonix reelie wurkt fur mee!

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early though.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

For some people, death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it, or tell it.

Although we all came on different ships. We are in the same boat now.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

My ex-wife used to give me sound advice. That’s 99% sound and 1% advice.

DARE to keep cops off donuts.

I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

The Lord gave us the power to procreate. So, let’s practice!

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

Don’t ever confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.

One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my date gets a headache.

The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You know you’re getting old when when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got half-way through.

How many vegetables had to die to make your salad?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Worry is the darkroom in which ‘negatives’ are developed.

I am very impatient with impatient people.

What is the answer to this question?

Don’t Hit Kids . . . No Seriously, they have guns now!

Seven dwarfs in a bath feeling Happy so Happy got out….

If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests

I’m going mental- want to come with me?

If a donut is eaten in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do the calories count?

What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

The more people i meet…the more i like my dog

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

If God sneezed what would you say?

What is the clinical term for men who need viagra? Mycoxafailure

Approximately 47.258% of statistics are made up

I used up all my sick days so i called in dead

Shhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think

A joke

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

My luck has been so bad lately that I’ll bet if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

When I got married I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I would have probably gotten a shorter sentence.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can’t.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. Extra credit: Name some examples.

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

A bum told me “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same!”

A bum came up to me saying “I haven’t eaten in two days!” I said, “You should force yourself!”

My partners girlfriend was at the beauty shop for two hours today. That was only for the ESTIMATE!!!!!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I give up reading.

Bad taste can simply be saying the truth before it should be said.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice.

What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.