I’ve decided to break off again from writing my book to weigh in a bit on the catastrophe in the Gulf that is rapidly threatening to spread out even farther. Let’s first take a look at this from a consumers standpoint and we will eventually come full circle.

In 2007, the US was the #1 consumer of oil. We used approx; 20 bbl/day. (billion barrels of oil per day). China was #2 at around 7 bbl/day and Japan 3rd with around 5 bbl/day. In 2008 China actually overtook us at #1 and we moved to #2. Complete statistics are now muddled in truths/untruths and profits.

The AAA Atlas of Population & Environment list the US as the Worlds largest consumer in absolute terms. On the list of the Worlds 20 major traded commodities, the US takes the greatest share in 11 of them. We like our big cars and energy. We want our heat in the cold as we must be comfortable. We have a need and desire to have all we want when we want it. I know I do. Do you? This creates demand. Demand creates opportunity to supply. This is where it gets corrupt my friends.

Snapshot of the last 10 years or so:

Bush’s regulations and Cheney’s deregulations & Clinton’s lack or foresight enabled the current state of events. The current Administration’s Interior Department inherited a cesspool of corruption from the back room meetings and backdoor deals that went on during the Bush Administration. BP didn’t start drilling and changing their practices over the last 16 or so months. The relationships between Big Oil companies and the Federal Government had been a love-fest during the Bush/Cheney years. Personal relationships between Cheney & executives from BP, TransOcean and Halliburton had been widely known. Cheney had secret Energy Commission meetings with Big Oil Execs &  hunting trips with Supreme Court Justices. Did those meetings help the Big Oil companies get the OK to pass on the $500,000.00 remote shut-off switches that could have prevented this spill from being as bad as it was? Is this type of information getting any play on Fox News or at Tea party rallies? If oil starts showing up on the beaches in Florida, would that be enough to really find out who is really at fault.

Also, to call this catastrophe Obamas ‘Katrina’ is not really appropriate in my opinion. This event can and will probably have an impact on a Generation of people who make their living in the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Restaurant owners and employees and more. I am in no way minimizing the impact now or to come. However, with Katrina, people were dying in the streets. They are two totally different measure of tragedies. I believe that Bush inherited a very much broken FEMA, as Obama has inherited a very much broken Minerals Management Service.

Everything now relies on how we respond right? Here’s a response for you. GOP Rep. Joe Barton from Texas during the Congressional hearings with BP CEO Tony Hayward last week said ” I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private Corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a $20 billion shakedown”. He of course was referring to the $20 billion escrow account the President demanded of BP to pay out claims against BP by people of the affected Region. Republican Rep Barton then went as far as apologizing to BP on Americas behalf. I REPEAT: “Apologized to BP on Americas behalf.”

Who do you want in your corner America? Again, don’t let petty prejudices and misdirection allow you to vote, think, compromise and protest against your own interests.

Something to think about anyway.

You were an accident.

Strangers ave the best candy.

The magic World inside the abandoned refrigerator.

The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

Your nightmares are real!

Grandpa gets a casket.

Dad’s new wife, Robert.

Curious George and the high voltage fence.

The pop-up-book of Human Anatomy.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

My mind will be CLOSED today.

LITERACY AIN’T EVERYTHING!

Can you yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire-station?

Whining, kicking and screaming to get your way.

What Is that dog doing to that other dog?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be friends?

Daddy drinks because you cry.

Don’t always judge a book by it’s cover:

He does not have a BEER GUT -  He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC VISION

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -Sh e is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Here we are, about a 1/3rd of the way through the $787 billion budgeted stimulus plan and we have so many naysayers talking about how the Administration has failed and/or the stimulus didn’t work. Here is where I have some fun. It is literally ignorant and irresponsible to refer to something that is only a 1/3rd of the way through as a failure. Now the Wall Street Journal has already this week showed us in ‘living color’ the hypocritical nature of a bunch of Republican congressmen/women who took the stimulus money for their individual states and championed to their people as to how some jobs were created and saved and/or the money was put to good use. However, when it came down to actually giving any credit politically to the Administration they have nothing but contempt and criticism for the stimulus. Even worse, they have in turn led some of their more impressionable and/or closet racist followers to believe that failureof the stimulus is the case. I will try to help put the stimulus into a more ‘here’s the bottom line’ type of speak so that even the cheap seats can follow. ( A rather sarcastic sports reference) Thank you very much!

Much of the first 1/3rd of the stimulus was to maintain social services and government jobs and to provide tax cuts for workers. Now, the pace and direction of stimulus spending are about to change.

Infrastructure spending is on hand for year two of the stimulus program.  Private-sector employers will benefit a lot more from this. The way I look at it. Those private businesses that are run by Republicans that would rather keep a partisan stand to spite their businesses getting money to help them gain momentum or hire and/or keep employees should refuse the money and it should be noted so that when the money helps other businesses the partisan bullshit won’t hold water. I wouldn’t allow them to take the money then around election time have Rush or Glen of the mouth. ( My clever stool spouting reference ) Thank you very much!

Note this: Many Republicans leaders have criticized the relative lack of private businesses hiring directly attributed to the stimulus.

Oh what tangled web we weave when we weave webs…. (My clever Bushism) Thank you very much!

This week is the stimulus program’s one-year anniversary. Is there anyone who can with a straight face say that it didn’t keep us from going into a deeper recession? Not to mention that the stimulus is still largely incomplete.  It’s still got a whole lot more to do. That’s why it’s easier to mis-inform and scare you about it now so that they have more ammunition bearers to help with the Tea Party, Lunatic party or radicals party mis-information gatherings..

Most of the money alocated to specific projects hasn’t been paid out yet, and there are still an additional $195 billion in tax cuts on the way. Let me repeat that again. $195 billion in tax cuts money on the way. How impressionable and feeble minded do you have to be to see that as a ‘fail’ , a bad thing, communist or a Government takeover? A takeover of what, help and assistance?

The bulk of the money proposed for projects like new rail lines and water projects, about $180 billion, will be spent this year.

Now the first year of Infrastructure spending didn’t really have a big impact on net employment, simply because a lot of the activity was mechanized. Do you really think there won’t be any jobs created from the aforementioned rail lines and water projects?

Many agencies have been holding competitions to decide which projects should get stimulus grants, vetting applications for grants for initiatives such as high-speed rail construction or electric-vehicle projects. In some cases, federal agencies have had to go as far as set up entirely new programs. There has also been $20 billion allotted for doctors to create electronic medical records, $4.5 billion for an energy Smart Grid and $7.2 billion for broadband networks. You will see this probably towards the end of this year to early next year.

(Do you start to see a pattern here?)

I used to wonder and get angry at how Obama could be so cool, calm, collect and quiet when confronted by all this bullshit. I am now beginning to get the picture. Many of the radicals and naysayers tried to make it seem as though if the seas didn’t part and everyone wasn’t running around in new jobs and a ‘Barney’ type of euphoria after the first year, that Obama failed, the stimulus failed, the bailout failed and Cash for Clunkers failed. This is not the case people.  Spending by state and local governments has about the same effect as spending in the private sector, and not cutting a job has a similar macroeconomic impact to creating a new one. Recipients of stimulus money say they are currently funding the jobs of about 595,000 people. However, in reality, as many as two million jobs have been supported directly or indirectly by stimulus money. Government data has indicated that most of the jobs supported by stimulus spending belonged to public employees at the state and local level, including about 325,000 teachers and school staff. This cannot be a bad thing can it? I didn’t vote on Bush for his first term but I did for his 2nd term. I just didn’t think Kerry could do the job. If Bush had made these choices I would applaud him. Funny part is, so would most of the Republicans downplaying the choices right now. Subsidizing those jobs avoided layoffs, or state and local tax increases that could have further undermined the economy. But they didn’t result in substantial hiring of people who had lost private-sector jobs. Let this thing play out people. Check out the chart below and hopefully it can help to shed a little more specificity into the stimulus breakdown.

Until next time my friends. WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!

Every once in a while I like to do a sort of roll call of idiocracy and ferver. In the days of old, scandalist and ignorants were sounded off and paraded likes murderers and theives in front of the masses. It was a sort of reckoning. Well this is now the start of a full blown revolution of reckoning. That’s the thing of about revolutions. They come back in your face. Well, there are a few people that I will be mentioning below that I would like to give a formal invitation to.

                                                                                           WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!

Rush Limbaugh -

                               Limbaugh has said that the Obama’s administration would use the quake in Haiti to “build ‘credibility’ with the black community. Not just regular negroes mind you. He has been a little more specific and said both light-skinned and dark-skinned blacks across  the country. He says that Americans have already donated to Haiti. In the form of  U.S. income taxes. He insists that money donated through Whitehouse.gov wouldn’t end up in Haiti. Also, anyone donating through this site would find their e-mail addresses receiving fundraising appeals from the Obama administration. This is GALACTICALLY WHACKY! First of all, the Whitehouse.gov website just list other Better Business Bureau backed donations links. Like The Red Cross or the Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund. The Whitehouse.gov site has no Pay Pal account and does not receive or route the donations itself at all. The statement was completely ludicrous. Now does this matter to Rush? No. There has also been no evidence or mechanism for gathering your personal information from this procedure of CHOOSING A CREDIBLE DONATION LINK.

Rush seems to think that being an obese, drug addicted blowhard that spews separatist fuel on a daily basis somehow makes him an American and everyone that disagrees with him a communist, socialists, reverse racist, etc… I just want to let Rush know that I agree with his right to be ignorant. I just don’t agree with disguising it as patriotism. Just call us all a bunch of niggers, wetbacks, jews and gays and get it over with Rush. Most of us are already hip to your agenda.

Glen Beck -

                           This guy just amazes me. I still am at a complete loss as to how anyone actually listens to him. He stated that the Obama Adminsistration’s Health Care package would provide health care for dogs and that you, ‘Joe Citizen’, would be stuck with the cost. He said he didn’t think Americans should pay for your dogs cardiologist. I’m sure the people that follow him probably gasped and said “that damn Obama is trying to give healthcare to dogs?” “The Government is taking over!”  WRONG-OOO!

Beck likes to take snap shots of paragraphs and morph them into his little web of ’ridiculisms’ . (I made up that word)

In the actual  House bill is the creation of a Public Health Workforce Corps to address shortages in the public health workforce. The program would provide scholarships and education loan repayment assistance for public health professionals serving in areas of need. Veterinarians are included among those public health professionals. The rationale is that with mad cow disease, swine flu and other animal-borne diseases and issues, It only makes sense to create more and better trained individuals.

Mr. Beck, I know you may be busy preparing more ‘Obama is the Devil’ material for your show but I just wanted to invite you to a litttle get together. Welcome to the Revolution!

Michelle Bachmann -

                                                   Now this lady is a complete piece of work. She graduated from Oral Roberts University. That in itself is admirable. However, she also opened a school in Minnesota in 1993 called the New Heights Charter School. She ended resigning as the school was embroiled in controversy over accusations of using public tax money to basically fund a religious school. She and other members of their board of directors were critisized from parents for not allowing the kids in the school to watch the Disney film ‘Alladin’ because they felt that it endorsed withcraft and promoted paganism. This is the type of mind set we are dealing with here. Just recently she stated that in the 1970’s the Swine Flu also broke out under Carter,( Democratic President),. She then says that another epidemic started under Obama, who is another Democratic President. She noted that this was quite the coincidence.

First of all, the Swine Flu scare that came out in 1976 was under Gerald Ford. A Republican President. (The scare began in February 1976 when recruits at Fort Dix, N.J., came down with flu symptoms, and one died. This led to fears of a pandemic.) Now that doesn’t matter to me, but I’m not a lunatic. Another epidemic briefly surfaced in 1988. Under Ronald Reagan. (Swine flu also surfaced briefly in 1988, killing a woman in Wisconsin who had visited a swine exhibit at a county fair.) Now I’m not stating these facts to be critical or to imply something sinister regarding the Swine Flu and the Republican Party. Michell bachmann was though, and she had a lot less information to display than I did and her intention was just that. An implied thought to put into the mind of some people that were probably alrready trying to balance their predjudices regarding the new President. However, lunatics in power with a medium to scare seem to be allowed to get away with anything they want to say or imply. It may be a right, but their is also a right to let them know how full of shit they are.

“Paging Mrs Bachmann, Paging Mrs Bachmann!”  WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!

        Stay focused readers, don’t let the lunatics win. They may have the platform, but we ultimately have the power. We just need to spread it.

                                                     Keep your head up folks.

While I have been writing my book I have stayed away from writing any new posts regarding todays politics. I thought I would sit back and just see if the hatred for Obama being voted in as President would eventually just kind of fade away and politicians for the most part would begin to move toward doing the right things for their constituents. NOT!
It’s still very apparent that the hatred of equality, racism and indiffence still seem to have a place in power. I see myself as middle of the pack intelligent. I have my issues with doing the right things in my own life. However, my actions affect myself, my friends and my family. I am not in a place of so much power that my daily ignorances can affect the lifes of so many. Ladies and gentlemen this is where our elected officials are the most important. We expect and hope that they will allow our best interests to drive their opinions and effforts. This is the basis of voting someone into office. Our elected officials are now for the most part what I believe is what is holding this Country back. I know that my idea will not be widely embraced, but I believe that we should have another round of elected officials. Those without party distinctions, but common sense. It is apparent that there will be no accord between Republican and Democratic Politicians. Partisan objectives show no sign of slowing down and that is apparently never going to stop. If a Black President can’t be enough motivation for politicians to come together then they never will. It is now up to us citizens to just accept that and move on with another branch of Government. We can call them ‘DemoRubs’. Sorry Independents just sounds too weak for me. As DemoRubs what we would be called on to do is to actually evaluate matters of importance and change in this Country and spread those actual facts to the American people. That doesn’t mean that I would gather a bunch of brothers in an auditorium and say, “man we need reparations’, just as I wouldn’t expect a room to be gathered to say that we need to break off from the rest of the Country because there is a scary Black man in the White House. It’s a two way street. We cannot allow the wheels of evolution and progress in this Country to be decided by white men between the ages of 55 to 75 years old. I wouldn’t expect a group of black men between the ages of 55-75 would be a basket of fairness either. That’s is just not common sense. No offense mind you. I’m not a racist at all. However, men that have had the majority of their adult lives with the reality of most other races being below them can’t be expected to see things completely equally. How can they? When I was a kid, if you went into any of the barber shops that my dad took me to, believe me, you wouldn’t expect those guys to be very partial if they were in a position to control votes and speak for so many. They wouldn’t be fair minded about it. Even if they didn’t want to admit it. Human nature is exactly that. Human. That doesn’t make it right, however, it does make it so. I’m not in anyway implying that people over the age of 55 are all racists regardless if they are black or white. I am saying that it may be inherently harder for them to change. I mean, without the help of many white people, slavery would never have ended. Civil rights would never have been passed and lastly, Obama would never have been elected. However, politics just like everything else in this World, needs to evolve as well. I propose that people of all races and ages above 21 should throw their names in the hat for a seperate form of elections. Call it a kind of watchdog group or civilian oversight group. People would have to still be vetted. However, lobbyist and Corporate entities cannot be a part of the process. I think we can get a lot more done if that were the case. At the very minimum, it would cut down on the amount of mis-information and rebel rousing. To those naysayers that would believe that it would be too hard to get that implemented. WHAT ELSE IS BEING IMPLEMENTED RIGHT NOW OUTSIDE OF SEPERATION AND HATRED?
Let me know what you think America.
NOTE: For all you radical conservatives out there who will look at this without thought process, let me help you out.
I definitely drink too much. I probably smoke too much weed. I can be a little self centered at times. However, I’m a great son, friend, brother and father. I am also the LAST person you want to have a public debate with. Think about that before adding an ignorant comment or response. Add a contact website or email address so that my response can’t be hidden for lack of bullshit.
Friends?

Here are a bunch of facts and study results that you can tell your friends. If you have any ya BUM!

 68 percent of a Hostess Twinkie is air!

 A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Thus the saying, I will be there in a jiffy.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

Each 5 m.p.h. you drive over 60 m.p.h. is like paying an additional $.10 a gallon for gas!

Hong Kong has more Rolls Royces per person than anywhere else in the world.

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

In 2003, the U.S. Government spent about $2,000,000.00 on potato research!

The number of text messages sent and received in a given day is greater than the world’s population.

The revenue that is generated from gambling is more than the revenue that comes from movies, cruise ships, recorded music, theme parks, and spectator sports combined.

Tsunamis ( tidal waves ) travel as fast as jet planes.

WAL-MART generates $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes!

You can start a fire with ice.

 More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts 3 naked men with their hands on each others shoulders.

An American urologist once bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.

Jimmy Hoffa’s middle name is, appropriately, Riddle.

More people have seen David Copperfield perform live than any other performer in the world.

  If you are bitten by a poisonous snake, and fail to receive medical attention, you still have a 50% chance of survival.

If you unfolded your brain, it would cover an ironing board.

Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long!

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Forensic scientists can determine a person’s sex, age, and race by examining a single strand of hair.

No matter how cold it gets, gasoline will not freeze.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Tug of War was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.

In one day an average person will take about 18,000 steps.

It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world’s population are drunk.

 I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 

Ahhhh, it’s cute. 

Why don’t we just cuddle? 

You know they have surgery to fix that. 

Make it dance. 
 
Wow, and your feet are so big. 

Can I write with it? 

 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 

Oh no… a flash headache. 

Can I be honest with you? 

How sweet, you brought incense. 

This explains your car. 

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 

Why is God punishing me? 

At least this won’t take long. 

I never saw one like that before. 

But it still works, right? 

It looks so unused. 

Maybe it looks better in natural light. 

Why don’t we skip right to the cigarrettes? 

Are you cold? 

If you get me real drunk first. 

Is that an optical illusion? 

What is that? 

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

 Does it come with an air pump

I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.

1:

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

2:

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

3:

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Here is a new list of some of my more popular quotes. Enjoy them and comment if you can appreciate some of them.

Sermon on the mountain; Oh I see, 5000 of you and none of you even brought a sandwich. No, LET ME GET IT!

You ever notice that the word ‘engaged’ has the word ‘gag’ in the middle of it?

Broken promises don’t bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

Women are the kind of problem I don’t mind wrestling with.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Well, it all started when my dog started getting free rollover minutes….

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

I  have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

I joined health spa recently. They had a sign that said “free weights.” So I took a couple.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn’t feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..

“You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one …Now press the other one.”

OMG! What a long day. I got screwed so much at work today I better take a frickin pregnancy test.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work.

An asshole is someone who bites the hand that feeds him then complains of indigestion.

WARNING: Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence.

I love the lines the men use to get women into bed. “Please, I’ll only put it in for a minute”. What are they, a friggin microwave?

I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

I don’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.

I  don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it’s a forgery.

Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

Joe Biden is still clapping about something Obama said last week…

Note to Joe Wilson: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called “a wedding cake”.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

My ex-wife used to say I was too nosey… at least, that’s what she used to write in her diary.

Is this glass half full or am I half drunk?

If you have a headache, take an aspirin, if you have a pain in the ass, break up with them.

Buffet. A French word that means: Get up & get it yourself!

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Act my age? I’ve never been my age before. I have no experience.

I have spent most of my money on women, drugs and beer. The rest, I kind of just wasted…

I don’t have skeletons in my closet…I’ve got a cemetery!

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Good sex can correct poor posture…or at least make it stand up straight.

I was only looking at your name tag Miss.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart last night said “for fast relief”.

I’m dating a homeless woman. It’s easier to talk her into staying over.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

My ex-wife’s version of money laundering was cleaning out my pockets every night while I slept.

Congress; Contradictory Oppressive Nimrods Greatly Risk Every Social Standpoint.

Even rarer than a doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can’t stand the sight of money.

When I was in high school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

Hallmark Card: “Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll need it again.”

Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

I’m on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?

They want cheap sentiment? I’ll fill them so full of sap, they’ll be blowing their nose with a pancake!

Statistics show that every two minutes another statistic is created.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis”.

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.

Friends rub tummy of pregnat women congating them. Why dont they rub the dick of the dad for a job well done?

I’ve never had a problem with drugs, I’ve had problems with the police.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Hubby: what would u do if I won lottery? Wife: Take half n leave ur ass! Hubby: I won $12, here’s $6 now get the fuck out.

Sure I had a drinking problem, but I looked at it more as a drinking opportunity.

I  think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

No matter if you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

A weird thing about humans is we work till we’re sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.

I  ordered a self help tape called “How to handle disappointment”, when the package came, the box was empty.

10 out of 5 doctors feel it’s OK to be schizophrenic.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You know what’s a good thing to hang on your porch in the summer, to keep mosquitoes away from U and ur guests? A big bag of blood.

I  like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.

Love is never angry. Love is patient. How many fucking times do I have to tell you guys that?

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right…. But she is more often left.

Last night my date demanded that I take her some place expensive… so I took her to a gas station!

At least Congress doesn’t make death worse every year.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.”, and there was still nothing; but everybody could see it.

Success is a relative term! It brings so many relatives!

Join forces people. Together we can lick pornography.

I  saw a sign that said “seeing eye dogs only” who is supposed to read this? The dog?

I still miss my ex-wife… but my aim is improving.

Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.

Youth looks ahead, old age looks back and middle age looks tired.

Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

It  takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.

At 44 years, I finally met the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store’.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Did you ever notice that there are more horses’ asses in the world than there are horses.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.

My friend Scott is so cheap, he bought his girlfriend a part time boob job.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were pretty pissed off.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Shouldn’t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there’s no sense in two people remembering the same things, right?

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I got a fortune cookie once that said “You like Chinese food.”

Don’t let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute? (I’m asking 4 a friend of course).

Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I was a dude before marrying. Now I’m subdued.

My ex-wife is a Travel Agent… for Guilt Trips!

There are still “incurable romantics” … which I guess means we need better antibiotics.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. Fuck that shit man.

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t tried to contact us.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth!

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

I have a sure way of not losing your money when you go to Vegas. When you get off the plane; turn around and get your ass back on it.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

I’d like to help you out…which way did you come in?

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos — I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.

Instant human! Just add coffee.

I’m an alcoholic, and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, “Have one on the house.”

Someone who is always declaring that they’re no fool usually has some suspicions that they may be one.

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it’s the shortest mental detour to marriage.

 go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky….But there’s never any gum under any of them.