I’m Just Sayin..

CHILDREN’S BOOK TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST.

You were an accident.

Strangers ave the best candy.

The magic World inside the abandoned refrigerator.

The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

Your nightmares are real!

Grandpa gets a casket.

Dad’s new wife, Robert.

Curious George and the high voltage fence.

The pop-up-book of Human Anatomy.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

My mind will be CLOSED today.

LITERACY AIN’T EVERYTHING!

Can you yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire-station?

Whining, kicking and screaming to get your way.

What Is that dog doing to that other dog?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be friends?

Daddy drinks because you cry.

He’s not & She’s not.

Don’t always judge a book by it’s cover:

He does not have a BEER GUT -  He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC VISION

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -Sh e is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Things I’ll bet you didn’t know.

 

 

Here are a bunch of facts and study results that you can tell your friends. If you have any ya BUM!

 68 percent of a Hostess Twinkie is air!

 A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Thus the saying, I will be there in a jiffy.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

Each 5 m.p.h. you drive over 60 m.p.h. is like paying an additional $.10 a gallon for gas!

Hong Kong has more Rolls Royces per person than anywhere else in the world.

If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

In 2003, the U.S. Government spent about $2,000,000.00 on potato research!

The number of text messages sent and received in a given day is greater than the world’s population.

The revenue that is generated from gambling is more than the revenue that comes from movies, cruise ships, recorded music, theme parks, and spectator sports combined.

Tsunamis ( tidal waves ) travel as fast as jet planes.

WAL-MART generates $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes!

You can start a fire with ice.

 More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts 3 naked men with their hands on each others shoulders.

An American urologist once bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.

Jimmy Hoffa’s middle name is, appropriately, Riddle.

More people have seen David Copperfield perform live than any other performer in the world.

  If you are bitten by a poisonous snake, and fail to receive medical attention, you still have a 50% chance of survival.

If you unfolded your brain, it would cover an ironing board.

Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long!

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Forensic scientists can determine a person’s sex, age, and race by examining a single strand of hair.

No matter how cold it gets, gasoline will not freeze.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist!

Tug of War was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.

In one day an average person will take about 18,000 steps.

It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world’s population are drunk.

Things a woman should never say to a naked man.

 

 

 I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 

Ahhhh, it’s cute. 

Why don’t we just cuddle? 

You know they have surgery to fix that. 

Make it dance. 
 
Wow, and your feet are so big. 

Can I write with it? 

 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 

Oh no… a flash headache. 

Can I be honest with you? 

How sweet, you brought incense. 

This explains your car. 

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 

Why is God punishing me? 

At least this won’t take long. 

I never saw one like that before. 

But it still works, right? 

It looks so unused. 

Maybe it looks better in natural light. 

Why don’t we skip right to the cigarrettes? 

Are you cold? 

If you get me real drunk first. 

Is that an optical illusion? 

What is that? 

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

 Does it come with an air pump

I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.

Top shelf jokes baby!

  

1:

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

2:

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

3:

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

4:                     It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.” 5:                    A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.” 6:                    On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!” 7:                    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” 8:                    Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?” 9:                    A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.” 10:                  A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.” 11:                    Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.” 12:                   Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.” 13:                   A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?” 14:                     A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?” 15:                     Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!” 16:                    A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!” 17:                I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. 18:                 A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?” 19:                  I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… 20:                 I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. 21:                  Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.” 22:            My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. 23:            A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?” 24:                  Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. 25:               There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. 26:           Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Big Quotatious, the funny has been brought!

 

Here is a new list of some of my more popular quotes. Enjoy them and comment if you can appreciate some of them.

Sermon on the mountain; Oh I see, 5000 of you and none of you even brought a sandwich. No, LET ME GET IT!

You ever notice that the word ‘engaged’ has the word ‘gag’ in the middle of it?

Broken promises don’t bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

Women are the kind of problem I don’t mind wrestling with.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Well, it all started when my dog started getting free rollover minutes….

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

I  have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

I joined health spa recently. They had a sign that said “free weights.” So I took a couple.

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn’t feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood and looked, and the engine is STILL there! Silly light..

“You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press one …Now press the other one.”

OMG! What a long day. I got screwed so much at work today I better take a frickin pregnancy test.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work.

An asshole is someone who bites the hand that feeds him then complains of indigestion.

WARNING: Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence.

I love the lines the men use to get women into bed. “Please, I’ll only put it in for a minute”. What are they, a friggin microwave?

I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

I don’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.

I  don’t know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it’s a forgery.

Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

Joe Biden is still clapping about something Obama said last week…

Note to Joe Wilson: A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called “a wedding cake”.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

My ex-wife used to say I was too nosey… at least, that’s what she used to write in her diary.

Is this glass half full or am I half drunk?

If you have a headache, take an aspirin, if you have a pain in the ass, break up with them.

Buffet. A French word that means: Get up & get it yourself!

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

Act my age? I’ve never been my age before. I have no experience.

I have spent most of my money on women, drugs and beer. The rest, I kind of just wasted…

I don’t have skeletons in my closet…I’ve got a cemetery!

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Good sex can correct poor posture…or at least make it stand up straight.

I was only looking at your name tag Miss.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.

I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart last night said “for fast relief”.

I’m dating a homeless woman. It’s easier to talk her into staying over.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

My ex-wife’s version of money laundering was cleaning out my pockets every night while I slept.

Congress; Contradictory Oppressive Nimrods Greatly Risk Every Social Standpoint.

Even rarer than a doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can’t stand the sight of money.

When I was in high school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

Hallmark Card: “Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll need it again.”

Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

I’m on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?

They want cheap sentiment? I’ll fill them so full of sap, they’ll be blowing their nose with a pancake!

Statistics show that every two minutes another statistic is created.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis”.

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.

Friends rub tummy of pregnat women congating them. Why dont they rub the dick of the dad for a job well done?

I’ve never had a problem with drugs, I’ve had problems with the police.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Hubby: what would u do if I won lottery? Wife: Take half n leave ur ass! Hubby: I won $12, here’s $6 now get the fuck out.

Sure I had a drinking problem, but I looked at it more as a drinking opportunity.

I  think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

No matter if you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

A weird thing about humans is we work till we’re sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.

I  ordered a self help tape called “How to handle disappointment”, when the package came, the box was empty.

10 out of 5 doctors feel it’s OK to be schizophrenic.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You know what’s a good thing to hang on your porch in the summer, to keep mosquitoes away from U and ur guests? A big bag of blood.

I  like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.

Love is never angry. Love is patient. How many fucking times do I have to tell you guys that?

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

The woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right…. But she is more often left.

Last night my date demanded that I take her some place expensive… so I took her to a gas station!

At least Congress doesn’t make death worse every year.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.”, and there was still nothing; but everybody could see it.

Success is a relative term! It brings so many relatives!

Join forces people. Together we can lick pornography.

I  saw a sign that said “seeing eye dogs only” who is supposed to read this? The dog?

I still miss my ex-wife… but my aim is improving.

Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.

Youth looks ahead, old age looks back and middle age looks tired.

Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

It  takes 250,001 Americans to screw in a lightbulb. 1 to do it..and 250,000 to debate if it was politcally correct.

At 44 years, I finally met the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: ‘My dad owns a liquor store’.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Did you ever notice that there are more horses’ asses in the world than there are horses.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.

My friend Scott is so cheap, he bought his girlfriend a part time boob job.

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were pretty pissed off.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Shouldn’t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there’s no sense in two people remembering the same things, right?

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I got a fortune cookie once that said “You like Chinese food.”

Don’t let people drive you crazy when it is within walking distance.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute? (I’m asking 4 a friend of course).

Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I was a dude before marrying. Now I’m subdued.

My ex-wife is a Travel Agent… for Guilt Trips!

There are still “incurable romantics” … which I guess means we need better antibiotics.

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. Fuck that shit man.

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t tried to contact us.

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth!

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

I have a sure way of not losing your money when you go to Vegas. When you get off the plane; turn around and get your ass back on it.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

I’d like to help you out…which way did you come in?

Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos — I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

I couldn’t afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.

Instant human! Just add coffee.

I’m an alcoholic, and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, “Have one on the house.”

Someone who is always declaring that they’re no fool usually has some suspicions that they may be one.

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it’s the shortest mental detour to marriage.

 go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky….But there’s never any gum under any of them.

Twitter Feed

The Big Quotatious, bringing the funny!

Here are some of my most popular Twitter “tweets”. For those of you not on Twitter. I am @The_Troy_Show. I believe there will be something here that everyone can relate too in one way or the other. Again, please don’t take any ass kickings personally…

And away we go:

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra… now I’ve got hair like Don King.

When I was married. Sometimes I would wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Life is full of uncertainties…of course, I could be wrong about that.

Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.

Hypochondria is the only disease I feel like haven’t got.

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

Pre-middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

 I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I’ve now arranged to be buried at sea.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

There are only two times when I drink…when I’m alone or when I’m with someone.

I must admit, my ex-wife brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell, until I married her.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Ignorance can take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.

There are those who think that I’m vulgar. To that I say BULLSHIT!

f you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

A smart man covers his ass and wise man leaves his pants on.

The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!

Remember, you are not alone. Everybody’s family is crazy.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all

Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed.

A used car is not always what it’s jacked up to be.

You ever think that maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

I graduated with a 4.0 … Blood Alcohol level

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

My ex-wife used to say I never listened to her….. or something like that…

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

I  was born at a very early age.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.

I saw a want ad: “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”

I wasn’t sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I’m riding a bike.

Right now, my complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

I’m abandoning my search for truth. I am now looking for a good fantasy

The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant.

If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go

ASCII a stupid question and you get a stupid ANSI.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, closed.

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare, nor, in many cases nowadays, well done.

Golf is a lot like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.

Marriage? Sorry, I can no longer mate in captivity.

Hookt aun Fonix reelie wurkt fur mee!

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early though.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

For some people, death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I  think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it, or tell it.

Although we all came on different ships. We are in the same boat now.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

My ex-wife used to give me sound advice. That’s 99% sound and 1% advice.

DARE to keep cops off donuts.

I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

The Lord gave us the power to procreate. So, let’s practice!

Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.

Don’t ever confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.

One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my date gets a headache.

The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You know you’re getting old when when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got half-way through.

How many vegetables had to die to make your salad?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Worry is the darkroom in which ‘negatives’ are developed.

     I will end this post here, but I have many more to add that will be appearing in “The Big Quotatious Part 2″ Coming soon….

Insults Galore

You’re so poor, I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing and she said “Moving”.

Words cannot describe your outfit so I’ll just throw up!

You’re so poor that when I went to your house and used the bathroom, a rat tripped me and a cockroach took my wallet.

They can’t measure your intelligence. The scale won’t go that low.

You are so stupid that you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!

Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.

I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop that low. 

I’m glad you’re tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.

I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!

Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?

Your mouth’s the perfect size… for your foot.

Know what I like about your face? Me neither.

Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.

Why don’t you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.

You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.

You’ll never lose your mind. You can’t lose what you never had.

You’ve made this date a night I won’t forget… no matter how hard I try.

I know why they call this a “blind date.” Because now that I’ve seen you, I wish I were blind.

You’re a nice girl, it’s just that you’re like disposable diapers…always getting dumped.

“What are you doing Friday night”?  ”Trying to forget you just asked me that”.

“What’s he got that I haven’t”? “You want it alphabetically”?

I’d like to see things from your perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Your girlfriend is so ugly,  even the trashman won’t pick her up.

You’re so short, when you sit on the curb, your feet dangle.

Your house is so dirty, when I walked outside I had to wipe my feet.

You so fat that you put your belt on with a boomerang.

You’re so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

You’re so poor you had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.

Why don’t you slip into something comfortable…like a coma.

You’re so stupid, you looked in the mirror and said, “Who’s that”?

If  your brains were a fart, there wouldn’t be enough to stink!

You’re so dirty, when you take a shower you lose weight!

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

You’re so short that when it rains, you’re the last to know.

You’re so poor, I walked in your front door and I was in the backyard.

You have “mint” breath. You must have ‘Mint’ to brush your teeth and forgot!

He’s so stupid that when he sends a FAX, he puts a stamp on it.

I’d slap you, but shit splatters.

I’ve seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

Tell me everything you know…I have a few seconds to waste.

Your teeth are so crooked that when you smile, your teeth throw me gang signs.

The gap between your teeth is so big, I don’t know whether to smile back at you or kick a field goal.

You’re so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat over the phone.

Your teeth are so yellow that when you close your mouth, your stomach lights up.

Your teeth are so yellow that your tonsils need sunglasses.

You’re so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a tax refund.

You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.

“As an outside observer, what do you think of the human race”?

“Hey, how’s your face feeling”? “Fine. Why”? “Because it’s killing me”!

You’re so ugly, you have to get you hand drunk just to masturbate.

                                                                   What time is it?

In America, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In England, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

 In Paris, they say it’s 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

 And in Poland, they say it’s 10:00 do you know what time it is?

 

Your head’s so big, that when it rains your clothes don’t get wet!

Your armpits smell so bad that the teacher gave you an A just for not raising your hand.

You’re so poor, every time the wind blows, your address changes!

You’re so fat that when you step on the scales it says, “One person at a time please.”

Your breath is so bad, when you talk your lips go numb.

Your breath is so bad, when you talk your teeth duck.

You’re so stupid, you asked for a price check at the 99-cents store.

You’re so fat, you could sell shade.

Your mama’s so old, she farts dust!

Your mama’s so fat that she couldn’t be born by a C-Section. She had to be born by a C-D-E-F-G Section!

                                                             Who’s a moron?

How do you keep a moron busy?
Look below.
How do you keep a moron busy?
Look above.

 Your mama’s so ugly, her vibrator went soft!

Life’s like a bag of Jelly beans, no body likes the black ones.

Cool Bumper Stickers

These are some Bumper Stickers that will be sure to cause some attention:

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix: don’t drink & derive!

At least it’s paid for!

Automobiles aren’t the only thing recalled by their maker.

Car will explode upon impact?

CAUTION: Driver no longer gives a shit.

Cover me, I’m changing lanes.

Do I look like a hemorrhoid? Then get off my ass

DO NOT WASH–This vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.

Don’t drink and drive–if you hit a bump you spill your beer

Don’t drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

Don’t get any closer or I’ll flick a booger on your windshield

Don’t touch me…I’m not that kind of car.

Driver only carries $25 of ammunition

Faster than a speeding ticket!

FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA — AND STEP ON IT!

Forget about World Peace…Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Get a new car for your spouse–it’s a great trade.

Hang up and drive!

Hang up the phone and drive, yuppy scum!

I bet you’d drive a lot better with that cell phone up your butt

Honk if my kids fall out.

Honk if you love Cheeses

Honk if you love honking.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.

Horn broken–watch for finger.

Hug your kids at home–belt them in the car!

I brake for no apparent reason.

I Brake for Tailgaters

I don’t drive fast, I fly low!

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I might be slow but I’m ahead of you.

I swear, the fence just jumped out at me!

If a woman’s place is in the home, WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR?

If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.

If God is your co-pilot–SWITCH SEATS!

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

If you can read this, you’re TOO CLOSE!

If you don’t like my driving, then GET OFF the sidewalk.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

If you get any closer, I’ll fart!

If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now.

Ignore this bumper sticker.

I’m not in heat, SO GET OFF MY TAIL!

In case of Rapture, CAN I HAVE YOUR CAR?

I’ve found Jesus… He’s in my trunk.

I FOUND JESUS…he’s in the truck of my car…you can see him for five dollars

Look out! I drive like you!

My other car is a broom.

My other car is a chair.

Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.

Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Pass with caution…I’m a Postal Worker.

Shift happens.

So many pedestrians, so little time

Stop reading this and watch where you’re driving.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

The Closer You Get, The Slower I Go.

The kids drive me crazy; I drive them everywhere.

There are two kinds of drivers: those who make dust & those who eat it..

This is not an abandoned vehicle

This truck has been in 15 accidents…and hasn’t lost one yet.

This truck is constipated–it won’t pass anything.

WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?

Women are born leaders. You’re following one now.

Yield to the Princess.

You are driving too close–I can see your bald spot.

You are right where you belong–behind me.

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.

Your tailgating intimidation is wasted on my cruise control.

Zero to 60 in 15 minutes!

Grow your own dope–plant a man.

Guns don’t kill people–I do.

i souport publik edekasion.

I will fear no weevil

My son is an honor inmate at the county jail.

Rehab is for quitters.

Visualize…whirled peas

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