Yuk Yuks!
I am very impatient with impatient people
What is the answer to this question?
Don’t Hit Kids . . . No Seriously, they have guns now!
seven dwarfs in a bath feeling happy so happy got out….
if quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests
I’m going mental- want to come with me?
If a donut is eaten in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do the calories count?
What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
The more people i meet…the more i like my dog
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
If God sneezed what would you say?
What is the clinical term for men who need viagra?
Mycoxafailure
Approximately 47.258% of statistics are made up
i used up all my sick days so i called in dead
Shhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think
A joke
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”
More quotes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m going to bed
Wanna come too?
Expect Nothing, & You’ll Never Be Disappointed.
Beer: Now cheaper than gas. Drink… don’t drive.
I’m lost, and I don’t know where I am.
Instructions: Light dynamite. Run like hell.
Etc. is a sign to make others think you know more than you actually do.
I like your style, I like your class, but most of all I like your ass!
I didn’t lose my mind, I sold it on EBAY
Benign: What you be, after you be eight.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Nearly killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour: Plus one, plus one more.
Urine: Opposite of you’re out.
2xCondoms: To be sure, to be sure.
It’s people like you that make the phrase “Damn you’re ugly” an understatement!
Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.
Stress is when you wake up screaming
and realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Hate is just a special type of love that we give to people who suck!
Sorry, I can’t go to hell, I have a restraining order.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bulls**t before.
“The difference between involvement and commitment is like an eggs and ham breakfast… The chicken was involved… The pig was committed.”
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
‘m sweating like a pregnant nun at confession
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
Lyrics
IM SEXY FROM HEAD TO TOE,
NAUGHTY AS HELL
BUT I AINT NO HOE!
YOU AIRNT WORTH MY TIME
AND CANT TAKE MY PLACE,
SO IF YOU HAVE TIME B**CH,
SAY IT TO MY FACE!
I PLAY MY GAME LIKE I PLAY MONOPOLY,
I DARE ANY B**CH TO LAND ON MY PROPERTY!
B**CHY?YEAH IT MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY
JUST CUZ I CANT SAY F*** YOU POLITELY!!, B**CH DID I JUST HEAR YOU TALKING?
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KEEP F***ING WALKING!¢¾
SWEET AS HEAVEN,
HOT AS HELL
THE BADDEST B**CH
AS YOU CAN TELL
WANTED BY SOME
HATED BY MANY
INVITED MY MOST
ENVIED BY PLENTY
DIAMONDS ARE NICE
AND SO ARE PEARLS
BUT THEY AINT GOT S**T
ON US WHITEWAY GIRLS X
Back to quotes and one-liners
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
Why is revenge sweet while payback is a b**ch??
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
The only dangerous quantity of alcohol is ZERO!
SCREW YOU WALDO
GO FIND YOURSELF!!
“be dangerous, its careful out there
S**t happens…mostly to me so dont worry
Witty pun
Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So it’s better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot, but Shott swears he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott himself, Then Shott would be shot and Nott would not.
However, the shot Shott shot shot shot not Shott but Nott.
It’s not easy to say who was shot and who was not, But we know who was Shott and who was Nott.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices everyday, how come nothing’s free yet?
If you want breakfast in bed…..sleep in the kitchen
What is it?
The maker doesn’t want it…
The buyer doesn’t need it…
And the user can’t see it…
It’s a coffin.
What happens in Vegas…stays on YouTube.
I will solve my procrastination problem, JUST YOU WAIT!!
20 things not to say to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
18. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
The only difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
You’re slower then a dead turtle
